Over the past couple of months I have felt extremely low and lost myself amongst the panic, mayhem and lonely isolation. I am not one to talk or even reveal my true feelings or thoughts. However I would like anyone who has felt something similar to me, to know that you are not alone, as these feelings are valid through a global pandemic. Everyone has different ways of coping. I am sure we all have good days and bad days. Equally many of us have gone through cycles and stages of motivation levels that have flourished or dipped as the lockdown wears us all down.
It may seem unusual to some, however I just felt nothing. I felt so numb.. like there was nothing inside, I didn't know who I was, how to react in social situations and what was normal to feel. Life was like staring at a blank piece of paper for hours on end. I was stuck in a rut of waking up, commuting, working, eating and going to bed, then repeat and repeat.. and repeat. The moment I opened my eyes it was time to go to work, time ticked away then it was time to go to sleep. I know most people would react 'thats life' or 'that's what happens when you are a grown up.' However all of the events and things in between working make life for living, bringing joy to life.
Attempting to explain not being able to feel anything is so difficult and I know getting back to my true self will be even more difficult (especially without being thrown into social situations). I know everyone is struggling which makes me feel like I shouldn't be complaining, I should just get on although it has not been that easy. We all cope differently and never having experienced a global pandemic, a lockdown and not being amongst it all is a STRUGGLE.
On my days off I struggled to get out of bed, I felt exhausted and like I couldn't face the world, let alone go outside. Living with ME did not help this at all, the exhaustion was too real, to faint to rise from bed, like someone was standing on my chest and I didn't have the strength to fight it.
Anything I had previously enjoyed or had a passion for did not spark anything for me, I just felt as if I was existing. When someone asked me how I was; I'd just automatically respond with 'fine' even if I wasn't. To be honest I didn't want to think about it or to feel those emotions I had suppressed down. I feared they would be too much to handle and it was better to feel nothing than opening that door. I had nothing to look forward too and nothing else to do. (I know there was hobbies, skills, walks, films, zooms, however when you are in that state there is no interest or excitement to participate).
There is fear of going back into the world and not being able to fit in or feel comfortable. Getting used to this life has been incredibly hard for everyone and now this is starting to feel like the new normal. Everything will have to change and we will all have to adapt again. We have been so use to giving people 1M space, that the rush of everyday life can cause panic. Going from being around very few people, to facing queues, crowds and being pushed about in public is an uneasy feeling for people with anxiety. The streets will go from empty too packed. However anxiety will kick in and become overwhelming on my mind as there becomes too many people in a room, a situation or environment.
We've all done incredibly well and should applaud and celebrate ourselves, knowing we have gone through this, we are tougher than we thought and we CAN do this. Appreciating those things in life and remembering we should celebrate those accomplishments no matter how big or small.
The awful sinking feeling inside of me is still there, compared to the smile you see on Instagram and I know my true self will eventually come back. I just don't know when and feel like I am the only one not ready to rejoin society as the lockdown lifts. So much is hidden behind a photo posted to social media compared to what is felt in real life.
I think it is really important to be able to talk about mental health struggles and not to be ashamed of what we may be feeling in that moment. The more we hide away and struggle alone, the worse it can become.
Tishhlah x
